Brandi and I get into an elevator at Ikea with our giant cartload of stuff along with a lady in a wheelchair and her friend. Without even thinking, I say the following things:

'Oh my God I want to cut my legs off'

'My feet hurt so bad'

'I don't know how I'm going to walk home'

As soon as the last one leaves my mouth my brain remembers who I am sharing the elevator with. Luckily, the doors open and we are able to get out of earshot before Brandi breaks into such hysterical laughter she nearly stops breathing and has to throw herself face-down onto a display bed while no less then 10 people stare at us as we gasp for air.

I am an asshole.